A few days ago, my daughter & I took an hour drive to view an open house. We went to see my childhood home and the place I lived until the age of 15. My family & I moved out of this house over thirty years ago and I've always wanted to go back and see it (for the first time) from an outsider's perspective. While this home provided many fond memories, there's no doubt that part of the reason for visiting was in hope of a magical revelation to some unanswered questions regarding the most difficult days of my life. As I walked through the humble, cramped space that once molded my life, I imagined there may be a whispering through the walls of my old bedroom, an exhuming energy from the reclaimed old wooden floors, releasing meaning to the unresolved secrets that this house may bear after all these years.

When reflecting on the levels of despondency and insecurity during those early years, I think of the interruption it had on my development. It created such an obstacle to my emerging and connecting with the essence of who I was meant to be, even at a young age, which was a serious disruption with growing into my true self. This is what trauma does best. It forms fragments in life, disrupts the natural rhythm, produces deep doubt, detaches one from values, creativity, worthiness, and derails the ability from being rooted in the present because it's too painful to suffer the emotions that the present witnesses. It can generate a false presentation of oneself and an untruthful closeness in relationships.

"Trauma is the ultimate experience that this will last forever.” -Bessel van der Kolk

While I didn't quite know what to expect when visiting my old home, it ended up feeling much more like an objective experience than a personal one. My sense is that the effect of the past still lives within me and maybe I'd given it more credit than it deserved. But now, it no longer holds the weight it once had when it jeopardized my path and tainted my dreams. The wound that had felt raw for so long has healed much more than I've noticed. While I've known fragility hasn't defined me for some time, it's actually much further away, behind me, than I had mapped out.

While I was moving throughout the house, the one thing I was clear about was my gratitude. This was unexpected. Bessel's quote above was my exact experience all those years ago. I never could have imagined a future where my past wouldn't define me for the rest of my life. My gratitude reminded me that this is not my experience today or my family's. It’s simply just a part of us, our history, and not a secret. Also, I began thinking of my family and friends - past & present - all who gradually provided me a sense that it was safe to reset myself and move closer to who I am supposed to be.

The grace of relationships has healed me – spiritually & personally. While the wound still gets scratched once in a while, the level of vulnerability that held me back for many years has become my strength, and it has meaning, allowing me to respond from this place. This was unimaginable years ago. I'm grateful for the scars that remind me of how life was, how life is today, and being hopeful how it is going to be.