Learning from Trees

Last Tuesday, I woke up and did my best to head out early and shovel as the first wave of the blizzard hit. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I kept telling myself it’s mid-March and spring is just days away!

When I walked outside I looked at the lovely fern tree in our yard. It has been on my mind quite a bit this winter. Mainly, because I didn’t cover the tree and it has been taking a beating from the extreme cold, snowy, and windy winter. I wish I had a good excuse for why the tree isn’t covered, but it's also not the first winter it hasn't been covered up.

I love this tree and it's an important part of our yard. The branches grow vertically from its base, straight up to the sky, and its green all year. Although today, it looked like it was in disarray and doing its best to make it through the storm.

                                                       3/13/18 - blizzard day

When seeing the tree, I immediately went over and shook all the snow to lighten the load from the branches. By now, the durable tree was becoming so weighed down by the snow and was quickly losing its natural shape. As I was shaking the tree, I got this feeling I wasn’t as helpful as I intended to be and maybe doing more harm than good.

As the day moved along, I had this thought that, as difficult as it may be, maybe I should stop reacting with trying to save the tree, and let it try to get through this storm on its own terms in the natural element. So, I decided to step back and allow for natural consequences and respect the tree to respond as it will.

In Peter Wohlleben’s book, "The Hidden Life of Trees," he talks about trees being highly social and that they care and support each other to help with stabilizing one another - even in extreme weather conditions. He also talks about how they feed and support one another, without having conditions for each other, no matter what type of tree - and that while caring for others the tree is also caring and taking care of itself - seeming to realize that to feel well the trees need one another.

Suzanne Simard, an ecologist and professor, at the University of British Columbia, also talks about the trees being in network with one another, and the elaborate root systems underground are massive communication pathways. She refers to trees not being individuals, due to constantly interacting with one another and helping each other to survive. She also refers to the high levels of resiliency, among the trees, as a result of the different species and the diversity of the network. This resiliency develops through the back and forth communication among the community of plants and trees, and those that are most in need, receive carbon and wisdom from the others, including how to enhance their defense system.

Another fascinating observation Prof Simard states is from the older trees. At the end of their life they are passing along an increased amount of their resources, especially to their kin, but also to their network to support the community's growth and stability.

After learning about this research, I’m hopeful that my tree will be okay, as well as knowing its ability to self-heal has little to do with being alone.

                                                  3/15/18 - 2 days after storm

Together with

My wife and I recently had a mid-year meeting, at school, with our daughter's teacher. We talked about the usual things, what's going well and areas to work on. The teacher then shared about a time she noticed my daughter struggling with an assignment. She said she went over to her desk and sat next to her. She added, "I didn't say a word, I just sat with her. I knew she could do the work and I sensed being with her would help her out. And she completed the assignment."

Of all the things she talked about, at the meeting, it was this simple gesture that spoke volumes and left such an impression on me. Even as I write this I'm not sure she realizes the influence she had. The words that come to mind, regarding the teacher's action, are peaceful and gentle. These are not always the actions taken with those closest to us who are struggling. Yet, I imagine most of us can think of a time in life when something similar had a positive impact us, whether with someone close to us or outside our inner circle. 

When I work with people, families, there is often the desire for the "quick fix" approach, a will power mindset, or pushing better ideas, one's ideas on someone else. Our culture promotes these hierarchical approaches. In my experience, this often has little to no traction and moves others further away. The slowing down of the pace and expectations, while sitting with moments of silence and uncertainty, has such a powerful force that movement and decision making gain much greater traction. It also creates an inner space for trust, healing, and deepening of relationships.

Is there anyone in your life who may need you to spend some quiet time together?

Loneliness at Work, School, & Home

Last week, I attended a talk by the former US Surgeon General, Dr Vivek Murthy, on “How Loneliness Is Bad For Business.” Dr Murthy made a health comparison of those intensely struggling with loneliness to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. While practicing medicine he said the most common illness he felt he saw, from those hospitalized, was loneliness. He also mentioned a study of students on 51 college campuses, which included nearly 30k surveyed, and more than 60% reported feeling profoundly alone. Another survey from several years ago reports half of CEO’s experienced loneliness that interferes with their performance.

As I was listening it struck me how the feelings of being alone and having minimal social connection, in the workplace, were similar to the descriptions that couples and families share about their feelings of disconnection at home. The inability to openly share one’s life experiences with others can be depressing, and provoking anxiety and anger. It can also create a silencing, followed by shame, and brings about issues with self-doubt, loss of voice, hopelessness, rejection, and brokenness.

Another similarity is that families and organizations have an opportunity to bring people together, share philosophies, culture, accept uncertainty, hold different perspectives, and get to know one another in a deeper way. Yet, although families tend to do a better job at it, many fail to do so – and even more so with organizations/companies – and this is when things fall apart.

For those who are in a position to reassess and make changes regarding the stability of a family, or work group, these questions may help with addressing loneliness and need for deeper connections:

-       Am I present and listening?
-       Often trying to fix or have all the answers?
-       Is there a greater need for transparency and openness?
-       Is hierarchy and power becoming a barrier to connection & inclusion?
-       Allowing for input and feedback?
-       Able to sense problems and opportunities?
-       Acknowledging mistakes and insufficiencies?
-       Balance with decision making and providing guidance?
-       Tolerating different perspectives?
-       Facing the truth or hiding/ignoring?

“You can do what I cannot do. I can do what you cannot do. Together we can do great things.” 
                                                                                                                   Saint Teresa of Calcutta

on her way

                                          Moldova 2017

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

 When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,          you have failed me.

Strange as it may feel....Listen.

All that I asked was that you listen, not talk or do, just hear me.

I can do for myself. I am not helpless, maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy. But when you accept as simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind the irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them. That's why prayer works sometimes, for some people, because God is mute. And He/She doesn't give advice or try to fix things....just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So, please listen, and just hear me, and if you want to talk just wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.

(author unknown)

What is around you...

I had an experience recently with going to a family event. I wasn't really looking forward to seeing certain people, but I knew it was still important to be there. The reason I was less interested in being there was due to political stances of others, and having to deal with comments that I rather not hear. Yet, something important happened to me. One of my family members, who I had reservations about seeing, and I, had a conversation for well over an hour. We talked about stuff that we've never discussed before and it had a lot to do with his life struggles and how he moved through it.

I walked away from that conversation with such an appreciation for this person. It reminds me of a clip I saw with Stephen Colbert. He was asked about how his mother was able to raise 9 children following the death of her husband, and 2 children, in a plane crash. He said, she was a woman of strong faith, taught her kids to love life without bitterness, and that everybody suffers, and accepting and being grateful for our pain is how we understand people better.

I know my conversation with my family member was so meaningful, because it was sharing about experiences in life that made such a serious impact. I could identify with his pain, through my own experience, and it brought me closer to him. My ego that was getting in the way, earlier in the day, was swept aside through sharing a vulnerable part of his life I knew nothing about.

One of the greatest pieces of advice I received, as a young adult, was from a mentor who helped me with a challenging supervisor. He told me, you need to spend more time with this person. Find a least one thing you have in common, and see what happens from there. This advice continues to guide me.

“You understand so little of what is around you because you do not use what is within you.”  -Hildegard of Bingen

Back to School

It's definitely in the air. Labor day is quickly approaching and my neighborhood is becoming active with signs of students moving back to school. Late summer & early fall often bring a sense of newness, fresh starts, and excitement. For many this is the beginning of a new phase in life, as a parent and a young adult. 

Yet, with all the excitement, there will be students that feel like they are in over their head. The optimism that had carried them to this point can easily shift to being overwhelmed by a greater sense of separation, increased expectations, developing new relationships, keeping up academically & socially, redefining identity, plenty of opportunities to drink & get high, and family much less present on a day-to-day basis. This is a lot of change for anyone, especially someone who may be more sensitive and vulnerable with adapting to new environments.

A common question, for families, is whether their son/daughter can keep up with all the changes. I would say that although it is often unpredictable how one will do in college, being aware of the signs of serious struggle may be key on how things turn out. Here are a few thoughts from my personal and professional experience with setting up conditions to best support yourself or a family member:

1) Have an understanding in regard to a balance with frequency in communication - facetime,                 phone/text, in-person visits.

2) If you're sensing there is struggle, let them know you want to help and you're in this together -             being mindful of not overreacting, arguing, or being judgmental.

3) Being alone in the experience (as a parent or student) may enhance the issues - explore supports on     campus or outside help.

4) Set-backs are common and how families thoughtfully anticipate and respond can have a major           influence on the outcome.

5) Recognize the things that are going well (that could be overlooked), while providing a message of       hope.

"I want to live my life so close to the bottom that when the system falls apart I won't have far to fall." -Dorothy Day

This quote makes me think about the relationship with truth and values. The greater amount of power and authority attached to a system, or institution, often restricts speaking the truth unreservedly and living out one's values.

"Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period."

Who would you reach out to if you were going through a difficult time and needed someone? If you chose not to reach out, who may know that you’re struggling and how much would you be willing and able to share if they asked?

According to a 75-year study, at Harvard, those who have someone to rely on and help them relax, stay healthier longer and function better emotionally and physically. The findings included decades of blood samples, brain scans, self-reports, and interviews.

The Grant & Glueck study doesn’t necessarily tell us something new, but it emphasizes the impact of isolation and loneliness, while highlighting the importance of meaningful relationships, being seen, accepted, and the ability to be vulnerable in connection with others - as well as seeing one another for who we are.

Robert Waldinger, the director of the study, is quoted in the title of this blog. He says that the study proves that “it’s not how much is in your 401k, how many conferences you spoke at, or blog posts or followers… No, the biggest predictor of your happiness and fulfillment overall in life is, basically, love.”

The Harvard study was only done with men, of various socioeconomic backgrounds, from 1939-2014. A recent article in the Boston Globe, The Biggest Threat…, focuses on how social isolation and loneliness have serious effect on middle-aged men. It says men are usually more comfortable saying they are depressed opposed to being lonely. Historically, men usually take time to reach out when in need, if they reach out at all. The article also refers to a 35-year study, at Brigham Young University, also showing similar results with isolation and loneliness, in regard to health concerns and premature death for men and women.

I heard a father of a young adult sharing about the time he spent with his son when he was going through a significant crisis in his life. He said he always thought it was about the quality of time he spent with his son, but it turned out to be the quantity of time spent that really made a difference in getting to know one another, whether going out for a walk, having meals, watching tv together, or quietly being around one another.

These studies span cultural and generational influences, and continued to come up with the same result – a meaningful life is a result of the depth in our relationships – not money, status, or education level. For some of us, taking steps towards deepening our relationships can be the hardest part.